A Long Climb to Yes

Desiring to live within the boundaries of God's will, I am reminded of the following letter.  

This was written to a cloistered nun around twenty years ago (this is not a current situation, and I apologize to anyone who thought it was!).  

At that time, Sister and I were both facing medical tests.....

Sometimes I wonder how a person so bent upon the Will of God that she accepts it as her 'enclosure' can so struggle against it over and over!  Every new situation seems to bring me to a deeper crossroads at which I find two parts of me struggling.  I am at this spot again of late; perhaps I'm always there.

This time it involves some upcoming medical examinations that I dread with every fiber of my flesh.  I grow quite weary of being poked, prodded, sliced, diced, scanned, stuck, frowned over, charted.  It's like my mind and body are absolutely quaking, going 'white with fear,' while my heart is at peace and knows that I want nothing other than the will of God, no matter what that should ever entail.  This is incredibly hard to describe, but somehow I think you will know what I mean.

I felt such a resonance with your words:  'I feel so ashamed that my feelings seem to have gotten the better of me.  Yet deep in my heart I do accept, embrace, and love God's will for me.'  Yes, that's it exactly.  You have put words to what I cannot, and I don't feel so confused anymore about this constant struggle, nor so alone.

Sometimes I feel I am embracing God's Good Will with nothing more than raw decision, a decision often made amidst my own terrified screams.

I wonder if it might be when we feel our flesh quaking that our 'yes' to God can reach the heights...

Painting: Carl Gustav Carus



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